Aug 9 ~ The Mental Model ~ And Shit I Could Of Died Screwing With This Stuff

What the hell over the last while as I have wanted to die as we all know the reasons and this stuff is in the MIND and today I had a Mind Opening Happen as you know I always walk around with my long black trench coat on

I became some how aware that I was in a game and that people around me were allowing me to have " FUN " and this was something for me that was very brand new as I always were and have been taking things way to serious

I don't get it as I " LOVE " helping everyone around me have " FUN " however I have no idea at all how to embrace it myself in fact I get scared and later I cry as I am ashamed as I see the effort that people pour into me to let go and have a bit of " FUN " I just don't understand this emotion I also do not get KINDNESS as I have learned to give thins away

M e n t a l G.A.M.E.S.

These are where I get messed up as I don't get this either as this has to do with FUN and as I said I don't understand FUN , Kindness and Love -- Starting to slowly work on some of these skills as this is very tough work when you have to go 51 years with ought lessons and then the loneliness effects slide in and screws things up even more as maybe this is why I read as I can do it alone and I can do it basically anywhere and read anything and the charchaters are always changing as the pages turn

I want to say sorry to everyone friends, random reader of my blogs and the students as I have been shitting on you all with this suicide stuff as this is where the loneliness starts I think as once that gate is opened hell rushes through and envelops ones soul and mind and then the pain arrives and it is extreme and all I wanted to do in a lot of my personal cases was to stop the pain ( mental and physical, emotional, and spiritual ) plus more as I have become a person that is some one hard to relate to now as I got trapped in a box in my mind

I am SO VERY VERY SORRY FOR ALL THE PAIN IN THE LAST LIFETIME I HAVE HAD I AM WORKING ON MY SKILLS TO FIX THIS AND I AM SO TERRIBLY SORRY

GOODNIGHT EVERYONE AND ONCE AGAIN

I AM VERY SORRY