Existing On This Side Of The Pain

When your doctor is so damn concerned about a disorder / o.u.d. (Opiate Use Disorder) than actually keeping her patient in his suffering a little more comfortable


Maybe it is just time so say a final "good-bye" to those around that couldn't do a damn thing except be as frustrated as I have been for months now


Funny (no odd) thing is that I am getting what I have been asking, God, Jesus, Gods, Goddesses, Mistresses, Masters, Kings, Queens, Princes, Princesses, Royal Ladies, Stately Gentlemen, City Fathers, Bird, Lizards, Spirit Guides, Angels, Wizards, Road Warriors, High Priests and High Priestesses, "my" Queen and Overlord, for


And that is freedom from the physical ( I over looked ) my body as a physical space suit and I now see I have to give it up and transmute from the Physical to the Spiritual


What bothers me is that I just didn't see it sooner [ I once was blind but now I see ] and [ if it is meant to be then it is up to me ]


It is funny actually as what she wanted to save me from killed me, and don't worry it is not today (I don't think, as my pain level is 9.5+ @ 509pm Sunday August 11, 2019) but I went and made a promise with a new doctor on my "TEAM" that I would give it 6 months however that was from May 15, 2019 so we have 96 days to ""ATTEMPT'' a fix (remember) TOO LITTLE TOO LATE !!!


have we / me / YOU all crossed that line


I think it is a little __ __ CKed up that to save me kills me, then again Humanity Is Seriously Screwed Up as it seems if I owned a [ White Picket Fence ] I would be treated way and I am meaning WAY __ __ CK-EN differently as I am just a Damn Amusement for all of YOU and at some screwed up level I know that you get some damn strange perverse satisfaction at another persons suffering


Strange thing is I have found a niche market through this all and, and this is a "non-judgemental place" (group, on-line, telephone) place for young people to talk about IT suicide as it seems every time the damn word gets out of me either the Police arrive a short time later, or a call comes back as I am a damn


PET -- and as such should damn well qualify for a death with dignity but NO I NEED TO SUFFER AS IT GETS WORSE


right before our eyes


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