to screw up the best thing i ever had
first she is / was the best thing I pretty much ever had in Mental Health
As she is a psychologist
Well it took me getting to the point I was Pissing Blood (kidney/bladder) infection and I was not well (or there), OR anywhere I was fucken scared (and now the YouTube Mistresses send in the porn, and I have no way that I am even half way thinking about it as --I pissed red blood) hey I am human (now if it was green)
I don't want to live right now--- (it's been since Sept 26, 2019) when this fucken exploded (three days) - I have been keeping as busy as I can
And praying (I don't know why) "that this has been a damn bad dream"
I don't want to do this as in just ten ( 10 ) 50 minute session we (she allowed me into my life and world so far in and deep, it was amazing)
I fucked up
Don't Worry I Am Not Going To Kill Myself.
I seem to enjoy the suffering I cause myself
W.T..F. =I waited 38 long unproductive years -- Then She Comes Along and I Open Up and in a 105 calendar day I blow my therapy program and progress all to sh*t
One thing I take (okay a few) away is
1) she made me get off the fear and call a dentures (teeth get done in next 2 days) Thank You Dr B
2) i am submissive around girls/ladies (and this is okay)
3) acceptance - of my sexuality and me
4) overcoming various levels of F.E.A.R.
Think where I am going to be if she ever allows me back for another 10 or God forbid 100 sessions (amazing mental pretzel twists of MY LITTLE itty bitty mind)
I did a deal in Jail with my Major Number One employer GOD -- that being I will SERVE HUMANITY all my days remaining here
For me it is basically beyond $