I Almost Slipped Today

The pain I have been experiencing daily (hoping it magically) would go away caused me to want to drink and get high really bad today but my friend made a deal with me to stay off the weeds I got 190 days today ( 6 months 6 days ) that he would help out if I could stay clean as the issue was not for me anymore my "wine thing" but the weeds (and I miss a nice high) after a day at the office and yes my "office" was a little different than most peoples probably including yours as you see for 1,239 days or 3 years 4 months and 21 days I was allowed to wear the silliest hat I could find paired with a long trench coat a staff / cane and coke bottle like sunglasses and I was allowed to make you all smile as you walked by and you would (take pictures some times) and I was handing candy out to passers by the candies were over on March 17, 2020 the day after we as a nation were informed we were under attack not by another nations military but a VIRUS we all come to know and hate as it was to be known as COVID 19 "Pattern Disrupter" to use a N.L.P. --Neuro Linguistic Programming phrase


Haven't had these feelings as strong in a very long time ... the need for weed


Could be the 60 birthday on February 4 (non-celebration) due to damn COVID 19 which has messed everyone up in some manner or shape


I am hurting, tired, depressed and alone as there is no where to go even if I could walk (but I can't so that creates a sense of isolation that is like nothing I have ever in 60 years experienced ever)


Today as I would experience, the pain was to strike in the middle of the night and it has been a very, very long day and it (the pain) hasn't allowed me a moment of pain free times (not even a minute) and I am so tired


It is dark out now -- I have a doctor appointment tomorrow and I need a cab as when you have a very hard time walking the bus doesn't work well and we have a great public transit system here in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.. now i don't get out much no more


But for this newly "minted" disabled Mad Hatter the bus is out and I am a shut in now and it is horrible for someone that was "always" walking around making people smile just a few months ago then COVID 19 came to town and I had my treatment on a wound / bedsore (where this came from we never found out) but my treatment was discontinued on March 16, 2020 two days after it arrived (and it started working on destroying my body, and now it is firmly entrenched in my mind and soul) slowly at first and now my team seems to not know what is happening to me


I am scared very scared as I always HURT now -- and my short lived experiment to get off the suboxone as stupid as there is a damn HOLE still in my coccyx (tailbone) 871 days ago or 2 years 4 months 18 days we first found it this damn HOLE that has already undergone one surgery we found this damn thing (I hate it) as it destroyed my life, as it gave me life a life I could never imagine


But now the pain isn't just from the HOLE it is now in my low back, my hips my legs and no one seems to know what the heck is happening to me


And these are really smart people and that is why I am scared

if you have any ideas send me a mail at lucien@madhatterexperience.com as I am going to lose it


It seems as what am I supposed to do, high school and a silly hat that makes you smile


God Bless and at 654pm Good Night All

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