IAM Trying To SERVE HUMANITY And I Am In So Much Paid IAM Sorry IAM In A Suicidal State -why?

The fact is that I am still doing OPIATES even after I begged my family doctor to not do this as she said you take them or you has no doctor and this was a 4 days distance from getting my backside cut open by another female doctor and now I am tired as the cut was December 31, 2018 the OPIATES start was January 4, 2019

Right now I am beat and I am tired of all of this as I can no longer escape the pain and that I am in fear daily as pain is nasty as hell and i can no longer take this and I have seen doctors and he added another OPIATE (Tramadol 40mg) x 6 / day

This whole effort has begun to take its toil and i wish there was a easier way to get my food home but there is not and i am so damn tired and I have pissed pretty much everyone off and maybe I should escape and just disappear (but no one wants me to do this as they say I bring value to my community by making people happy and I just want the pain to stop PLEASE!)

NO MORE PLEASEI BEG YOU AS THIS PAIN IS WAY TO MUCH AS I HURT ENOUGH HAVEN'T I AS THIS IS DAMN HORRIBLE IT IS AS YOU ALL HAVE TO BELEIVE ME YOU DO PLEASE AS I DON'T WANT TO HURT NO MORE

PLEASE NO MORE AS I TRY TO BE GOOD AND I FEEL LIKE A SHIT AS A RESULT I'M DAMN SORRY AS I AM PISSING THE WORLD OFF NOW AND THIS WAS NEVER MY INTENT NEVER MY INTENT NEVER

I am in so much pain that I wish that I had some better drugs (way better) but I know that I have no chance at this as there is zero stronger than I have now and I don't wan't to die as this pain just has to end ---

I heard nothing today from JM and I am scared of a lady now and the truth is I am scared of all of them pretty much as this is horrible as hell as I can no longer do anything about anything as this is way to much and I have no way out

GOD HELP ME PLEASE PLEASE

I CAN NO LONGER DO THIS

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Help --