In All My Days Upon This Earth Our Home I Never

I never physically hurt anyone, and yes I was a pain at times dealing with the demons in my mind / brain of Mental Illness ((schizoaffective disorder)) but I don't remember hitting anyone and I am tired right now as its is 619am and thinking that I am EVIL

My mom died alone in a hospital bed and I was drunk or high at the end stages as it was to hard as she was not going without a fu**ken war - and she was a incredible fighter she went from Walking Stick, to a walker, to a wheelchair to bed to dead and it took a 18 year period

and i had to watch

Today feels like the end days all over again as my personal doctor noticed my cross around my neck that has been there since December 2013 during the last session I had with her on December 5, 2019 and commented on it, saying "I notice your cross, are you a Church goer (this might be different than a movie goer, maybe? :-) but she said there is something called "Blue Christmas" (and if youve seen my Hat it is Green not Blue) so I Googled it and it is for Loved ones that LOST a family member near the Christmas Season

I immediately said to me "and I get away with this somewhat" (talking to myself) as the Challenges I have, allow me to talk to myslef -- you atempt this and well the men in nice soft pink rooms WILL appear

But friday as I was lacing up my "donated winter boots" a very incredible gift in 2018 from one of "my" people (girls) on the streets (my size also) -- my moms death -- and it was Decemmber 22, 1996 -- and I forgot as that was just how "DRUNK & HIGH" I got well for a very long time

God I miss my Mom & Dad right now - and then "I forgot" What The Fu**K (damn I hate booze and drugs

And yet all damn year I have been a medical and mental experiment attempting to fix a toonie size 4cm x 4xcm HOLE at my Tail Bone - I was suicdal so many times -- I want my mom and dad and Little Sister and my Neices (3 of YOU)

“what if we could all talk;

to each other?

Imagination is [possible]

Isn’t it?”

Fu**K I Hate ME -- and this insanity of a HOLE in my Body, the "Flap Surgery" on MY ASS (NOT KIDDING YOU) -- I have a Plastic Surgeon for my damn ASS

and it still hurts at times -- and the Suicdie shit is still there

YOU see me on the streets playing (that is the only way I stay sane anymore)) God Forgive me PLEASE

PLEASE I BEG YOU -- I don't want this Horrible Illness (Schtiziod) and the Fu**Kwen HOLE from HELL (yah actual HELL) they shipped it up (eBay Shipping)

Today is the Pavlov's dog experiment December 7, 2019 version except ((THEY)) remember them well ((THEY)) added a twist so more people can MOCK Me in the stupid damn Green hat - and the damn fake smile with the fake teeth (yah that was fun wasnt it) make me suffer for CRIMES against HUMANITY (only problem is there was no fu**KN - crime) and you (society) yah this one is on YOU ALL you have your dentist from the deepest bowels of HELL pull 22 Teeth OUT with ZERO FREEZING AHHA (bettcha all enjoyed that one) it took 45 minutes but the suffering for yOU / Humanity hadnt even begun had it

But back to the DOG experiemnt today I "need" (a Keeper) required me to be at the BELL / DRug Store between 12-1pm for 7 pills on 2 Presciptions and you all can MOCK me a bit more like Wendy and Barry yesterday with there Nikons and Canons to maybe shoot a few more pictures to laugh at over your Christmas Dinner

Why would YOU ALL do this to an actual HUMAN BEING -- Does it actaully bring Joy to YOU

You know why I do this RIGHT?

''I didnt think so"

were 815 days into this and 3 (yah 3) of you HUMANIODS only have asked -- It is to keep my Damn Sanity as your entire world that all of out grand parents and there parents handed off to us for us and our own children and grand children


The Future WILL JUDGE US HARSHLY for what the world we live in has done unto it

And I am going to be gone to Heaven (but not on Grey Hound) as there cutabcks cancelled that route too, Now we need to see if the PM will sneak us all on his Private Lear Jet (Good Luck) remember no Big Screens (by the way what is the 1/2 life of a Human being these days) :-)

You destroyed a actual HUMANIOD (i WAS NEVER A Human Being) in Societys EYEs and you get the destry a Human award for speed, however it took longer as the Punishments / Disipline / Torture seemed to become FUN -- For The Speices as thsi stupid blog has been up for 143 days and has now been seen in 63 cities and 12 countries and over 850 users and 10,000 plus page views

Those of you that have a "faiith" and a lot of us (I get to go 2x same service but 2x) the Schitzophrenia , allows me thsi benefit (one hand gives the other hand take) from the tithe basket (joking) but it can be a actual fun illness as I get to screw with everyones reality, as they watch my qucik and shaky hands

“what if we could all talk;

to each other?

Imagination is [possible]

Isn’t it?”

I was a member a while but then I to got ill and the church abandoned me as I had no money to put i the baskets and the IOU's were "pissing the money men off" - I was a drunk and smoked weeds (where was money going to show from -- and I was never included in the social events 2006 christmas eve sticks hard in my mind as I was invitedand a gentleman was hanging out by the door he looked unkept (much like a few of the gentlemen I would meet at Christmas 2013when I had a issue for 59 days of being hoemless) as we past by this man one in my party said "aviod looking at him as he will be gone when we come out"

well this shocked me -- as the night air was "crisp'' -20+

andthis is how stigmas/ stereotypes get formed -- and once formed they are difficult to change

I was going to do some.thing really stupid this season --- butsomeone cried -- and i looked in the mirror and it was me, a tiny cry with grateful overtones

you know i have nothing compared to most -- no TV - no Cellphone -- Very limited Extra $ -- but I have a Kingdom of God and his Son ///Jesus Christ there will be bread to break on the table 

what do I need I was a "man without a home" (hey doesn't that sound better than) "homeless" in 2013 -- taht was 6 years ago, I am sober (booze) almost 7 years next week Wednesday 11th willl be 12 years, without a ciggertte -- Just went past `10 years with out Opiate meds (my doc put me on Codiene 30mg x 4 a day in January 3, 2019 to deal witth the PAIN from a HOLE and 1st Biopsy there were more to follow and surgery

I have had 5 grams of pot since 2006 (to deal with pain from high CK Levels the normal range is 150 --- 250 and mine at Oct 16, 2018 were 2100) and I was in a ER bed in less than 5 minutes something about Kidneys ` 1


what do I want for Christmas - 3 pain free days --- and 8 hours of sleep a day for the three days

It just started snowing here and my windowns are my TV so if you all excuse me i want to watch a bit

Thank YOU adn I and sorry for the foul words I miss My Mom and Dad and my kids sister and my Neieces

This was the worst emotional year of my life as I lived at level 9 pain for such a massive part it destroyed evverything in its pathways


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