July 14, 2022:~ GOD ~ Kindness ~ People

Today I was finally taken to the hospital as people were concerned as I was a basket case for the last while as the days 17 I was taken to the ERC for calling Police for HELP ( toss in a few 911 ) as I was advised to by Access 24 / 7 here in Edmonton and Alberta Mental Health & Addictions out of Calgary I have been a complete mess ( MAKE THAT TOTAL ) AS the stuff that I have been dealing with pretty much all alone after a night in JAIL and a warrant to appear before the COURT for using the POLICE LINE & a Few 911 as I followed instructions as this was when I was so far down that I thought I was going to finally take my own life I was in fear and I was still attempting to do " MY JOB " and fearing for how I would seem to everyone for not always being happy ( as in the last few weeks I have been asked a few times how I stay so happy ) well in the last two days my Family Doctor at Norwood Medical has actually seen and felt how happy I have NOT BEEN as in the last year I have tried everything to get a Trauma Therapist EVERYTHING and I have been tried and am on various new medications from Perecets * 5 days with 4 days of hellish overdoses and pass outs even on daily pick ups * ( Tramadol 40mg x 6 tabs a day ) and recently 2 adivan a day all pills I have had issues with

I was getting worse and worse and last week when Dr Rasjeb asked my what I wanted all I could think of was something to calm me the hell down, and I ask for 2 more Adivan and he agreed and I watched as he printed it off and signed it and then he took it to hand to the druggist sections in the clinic, then it never showed up even when I asked it was book another appointment ( I never did on this ) the last few days I have been screwed all to hell as everything in the whole world was freaking me out and I was not getting any help as my therapist / nurse at 108 street was off for a few weeks on personal and I had no mental health help and before and while this was occurring Dr Rajeb also took holidays and I started to crack and then the night in ERC and I was done my body was killing me and my mind was screwed I had a few OVERDOSES a week apart and was taken to the hospital and quickly released then second time I think I was kept over night

It was bad as I just didn't want to be me anymore

I was falling all over the place and I mean all over the place and then on July 4, 2020 I fell on the way to the store, then at the intersection and then in the store at the yogurt section ( which is my diet over these last while as a result of a lie from a good friend that I am still working on paying and attempting to eat

and then the damn 4th fall by the construction by the LRT at a POLE and I tried and tried and I finally was unable to get myself back up but I was under Court Order to not Call The Police and / or 911 and I sat there for 30-45 minutes and then a passerby stopped as I was trying and not succeeding to pull myself up and he asked if I needed a 911 call and I attempted to explain and then he called and then the Ambulance showed up and I was screwed as I now was done and then the lead EMS found out they had a opening at the GREY NUNS HOSPITAL and I attempted to refuse so she called the POLICE / 911 and now I was screwed for sure and the Officer was friendly as always then he wrote up another warrantee for a call going to 911 and this was not me for sure and I now know I am losing my mind and my mental state and I was in trouble as what did I do this time

I fell as I had been telling my doctor for a while and telling the crisis lines and everyone else as it was at first contained to my home but recently it spread to the streets / sidewalks and I was getting worried but I was not getting medical help or mental as my new therapist was a NURSE and we talked but 3-4 weeks ago something occurred and he was off and as I said Dr Rajeb was off and I had as this was reported before and I lost contact but for picking medicine up daily

Last two days have been beyond anything in the mind that I have ever experienced in my world as I was blowing up in every place I went and I was taking all my pills that were prescribed and I was no longer able sleep at normal hours as everything was screwed up and I mean everything

I felt so alone and isolated as I had no one to go to for help today I ( maybe yesterday ) I no longer know what day it is at all sometimes as when you can't sleep for days on end and then nights become days and days become nights and your really a mess and nothing seems real anymore as it is all becoming a REALLY BAD NIGHTMARE but it is your NIGHTMARE is REAL not hallucination but so much like I can't label it as I no longer no and today I was asking a new person in my world what to do and she stopped my mouth for a bit and had me listen to a story about The GREY NUNS HOSPITAL

And trust opened up and I don't know why as maybe you come to a point in the journey of the life and windows or doors open and we see TRUTH ( but in only a few days I trusted her, and a Ambulance was called to take me to the GREY NUNS HOSPITAL and I have never in my life been to ( I was scared as it was a massive unknown to me ) massive and I had no idea and the old fears were there and the EMS workers were incredible and KIND ( and this is when this all started KINDNESS ) as when I am on the street I can be KIND and I have such a brutally hard time excepting KINDNESS -- as I have never had much in my life as when the incident at church occurred I would NEVER feel KINDNESS again up until just recently were talking 50-51 years and now it is all over me and I am crying all the time as I can no longer deal or cope with KINDNESS

A couple days ago a beautiful girl approached me and grabbed me and tossed a hug around me to the point of almost breaking be and it was to much I am DEAD INSIDE and I HAVE BEEN FOR A VERY LONG TIME as I never learned to FEEL ANYTHING POSITIVE anything and and then we got to this HOSPITAL ( GREY NUNS ) and what is happening as people know me and are incredibly KIND towards me and when I am in the waiting room and it was a very long wait but, people were so very KIND it was like a strange dream and then I was called to go to the Mental Health Unit

And holy heck it increases in frequencies this KINDNESS like it was everywhere and with every person I was sure at one stage I was just dreaming it was scary as everyone was KIND and I was just this guy that showed up for the first time in my life

And then they pretty much kicked me out 2 bus tickets and you have 5 minutes and I was not sure what was in the back as I was not about to log into the account so I sent out a brief email attempting to raise $35 to get me home, and I am grateful as you allowed me to meet a wise man my new TEACHER / MASTER

And then I was outside and it was a beautiful evening ( sun was there and many people were there and then the phone rang and I missed the first call it was COOP and the next number I didn't know so I dialed and it was my TAXI and what a JOY as I had been in many, many taxis when I drank and getting food home but in all my years and they are many I had not ever been a student in the cab as the Master Spoke and he had my hanging on every single word that he spoke EVERYONE

GOD -- KINDNESS -- PEOPLE EVERYTHING WAS A DREAM AN EXPERIENCE THAT I HAVE NEVER HAD BEFORE IN MY LIFE AND HELL I AM ALREADY OLD AND IT WAS LIKE I WAS YOUNG AND MY TEACHER JUST ENTERED THE ROOM ( IT WAS A CAR ) IMACUALTE A JET AS WE TRAVERSED FROM ONE SIDE OF TOWN ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE TOWN BRILLIANTLY

I seen so many many things i never seen before EVER and I am old and I have been very unhappy lately and my Teacher in a few Minutes taught me JOY is all we need all we need

While in the waiting room I was informed I get a great opportunity to move as this is one of the reasons as its 200 degrees in here again tonight and nothing I have found in the last 6 year reduces it

And I swear it is getting worse as the earth is boiling everything and that means us as in places like India and Pakistan its 120and the don't have all the luxuries that we have like A/C Water, FOOD -- basics and it is always the poorer country's that pay the price when the planet fries and if we as a population can't figure out what to do to

SAVE OUR PLANET then were done as we might not get to MARS with Elon Musk as the whole planet is burning ( the whole thing ) and the heat is weird as you can almost taste the heat and soon the AC won't be enough and then if we don't have

GOD -- KINDNESS -- JOY -- PEOPLE

As humanity right now has so very much and wants more individually as we CAN'T as we HAVE TO SHARE my sofa is soaked and I have to try to sleep through tonight as I want to work tomorrow as

GOD is my BOSS and I have been a slacker in the last while as I had FEAR instead of JOY as what will go wrong in Court as the Judge will hear my story as I attempt to explain as the instruction's were given to me to call and I did SCREW UP - I CALLED

But a few years back my New Years Resolution was TO LISTEN TO SMART PEOPLE and if you work at a SUICIDE / CRISIS LINE I just read into that that you all were smarter than me as I wanted to stop my pain and suffering

I have 90 days again for the waiting time for the PAIN CLINIC and then they examine and then maybe I qualify for help I am on my 2nd or 3rd letter now

and I hurt when I awake as this is a lousy way to live in PAIN all the time and no idea as to why the pain is there but as my Master / Teacher that explained to me tonight I need to have JOY as the time is short and I wish we could sit and have a tea as then I could make some notes as it is once in a mans life he encounters a man like the Teacher / Master that I did tonight on my adventure for the GODS thought TIME & ETERNITY

And then there is Carolyn who received the email I had but 5 minutes to write and the money was there before my TEACHER / MASTER would drive a meter Thank YOU CUZ