June 26, 2021~ I Don't Get This No More

How far back does this all go?

I was raised in a Catholic household and I had to dress up for mass every Sunday and I mean dress up as being Italian and the church? head office being in Italy

Well I have a few remaining pictures of my on Sunday, and well I'm Italian then and now

Examining the books and I have been reading various holy? books all my life as I am into understanding " structured belief systems "

Currently I just started a few days ago a book on a "structured belief system" that seems to include well " everything " like God, Universe, Energy, One the book is called

Samadhi: Unity of Consciousness and Existence by Ivan Antic

After the discoveries in Canada in the last few weeks along with my own personal discoveries about my life in the church as a child I have had to revise my personal "structured belief system" as I actually feel very unwell currently and my Dr of My Mind [ Psychiatrist ] is now working on getting me a therapist ASAP as we talked about how the mind blocks painful events sometimes for decades and sometimes forever

There were multiple triggers this last 3 plus weeks ~ and as I told my Dr. it seems like it is like a onion and its been peeling as events of the last few years from isolation's to quarantine's, and now the bodies and unmarked graves at the "residential schools on Native Reserve's. And at the level I am at now I am raw as s all my life I blocked the "event" from my mind with drugs, alcohol, and pills. I am now 60 and I never lived as a result of the "event" at the church when I was in grade 5 at about 9-10 years old a child and my life was taken and my family was destroyed and then it got worse as my dad moved out as he likely couldn't deal with this " event " ~

I have now lost my faith in this last week, and I just don't want it back and I am torn apart as my belief in anything seems to no longer matter

I just want to feel again ... like a human again

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