Most People Can't Deal With Pain 24 Hours and PTSD That Was Disagniosed Wrong For 52 Years (I'm 61)

Sometimes I want to die (yes) and sometimes (recently) I cry a lot as I don't even get it as I blame me for everything that ever occurred in my life and on my world as the PAIN distorts reality totally and I lose it, and sometimes people around me get it and some of them demand money to fix it and that is a game that adds so much pressure to my mind / brain that the logical reasoning sensors shut off and I no longer care about me and I attempt to stop the unending pain that I have waited for a pain clinic (for 1 plus years) and DBT for 2-3 years, and well I have been through 2 counselors that worked really hard to cause me as much pain as they possibly could as like they were on a contract to destroy me, and they push me so hard at times that I sometimes just say screw it all and then try to hurt myself more than anything

I called ACCESS 24 /7 at early as I was up, I don't know how long as I had a hard time again with sleep / pain and after laying there (bed) all night I said screw it

But the lady / Girl on the PHONE and me were talking about my purpose as she saw it and she said that I seem to be here to make people HAPPY and I only wish it paid a bit better than ZERO as I have been struggling as of Inflation (yah it gets the Mad Hatter Experience) also as it gets all of us, I have extras that I need and I keep falling behind and then playing catch up and then some people rip me off and it is easy as I see their lives as in worse shape than is money as I have a roof, a bed, a toilet, stove, oven, fridge, freezer and my books as I love to read and I have much as I see as I live in the area were we have so much suffering, drug use, people hurting for a meal, a snack so much pain and I have no idea why God & Jesus Christ placed me here as I try to fix it all and I try hard and I sometimes go without as a direct result of fixing the area's people

And I see so much pain, and I have no one to talk to when I see it and it makes me want to not be around anyone anymore and some people that know me have seen this and try to assist but there is more pain and suffering than I can fix most times

a lot of the time and I want to QUIT

I since the diagnoses of PTSD (June 22, 2021) have no idea anymore as it seems that everyone now wants to HURT me MORE than I can deal with, and I then CRASH, and it spreads, and I can't cope no more as I have

9 YEARS --- 8 MONTHS -- 2 DAYS --- 21 HOURS --OF SOBREITY FROM ALCHOLOL ALL TYPES AND I HAVE TO KEEP FOCUSED ON MY BIG GOAL AND THIS IS IT

I no longer know if anything is even worth it as everyone, and everything seems to be lying to me

As I have attempted to get help for the PTSD only to be HURT HARDER and I don't give a crap about the CHURCH or PRIEST as I HAVE --FORGIVEN THEM ALL AS HOLDING IN ANGER ONLY HURTS ME and I have more than my share of PAIN & SUFFERING already and it makes no sense to not forgive anyone for anything as look where it is all getting us GLOBALLY we have everyone fighting everyone and no one is winning and we all might very well lose and lose massively as the whole thing is shit

like whom has the most money who cares as they aren't taking a dime with them as when my dad and his family arrived in 1948, I imagined that they had very little, and they built a life it has become so much harder now as the elite and top governments have designed it that way

But I get a cup of COFFEE (Kimbro, Expresso Creamy, Creamy) for a 2.2-pound bag for $ 19.98 ground to a French Press State by Jessie and it is Genius as the bag lasts a month plus and I get a few cups ever few days and I feel BLESSED as we still (on October 18, 2022) Are.

Today I am going to attempt to raise $10 for groceries as I have $ 5.80 and that is about 1/2 (yah I can do some math lol ) and I have a Bus Pass from the City as I truly am Blessed as the amount of Good Stuff that has occurred in Edmonton from GOOD PEOPLES far outweighs the bad stuff, but losing all my damn TEETH to a fucken Crazy BREED of Doctor and Mentally Fucked People that were placed in charge of people that broke ZERO Rules to be ABUSED, TORTURED for 11, months as the ending had some weird chemicals given unto me till I could no longer piss in the Toilet Bowl and then hauled to a Dentist (SADIST) to have every tooth in my mouth YANKED OUT WITH

ZERO FREEZING all the while I WAS ORDERED TOO NO........

SCREAMING (As she had children in the clinic---like what the fuck they invite Children to the TORTURE FESTIVITIES NOW) HOLY SHIT

anyways I am going somewhere today as I have to get a few things sorted out as the PAIN is already bad and it is only 826am and shit it could be a very long day as it could be longer if I didn't have Dr.AP on my Side and At This Point, as I am Blessed as I get to as the Lady on The Line Said I Get To

Make Happy People

Like how many people get to do what I do as even the City Police (whom I have forgiven for the charges as I had to have a behavior change as it was not well, and I did NOT see it as all I wanted was Trauma Thersapy to help me deal with the PTSD and I had ZERO Idea as to how this was going to occur at this stage as nothing made any sense anymore

And I am TRULY SORRY to ALL THE PEOPLE MY PTSD has hurt so many

PLEASE --- FORGIVE - ME --AS -I --WILL -TRY TO BE --BETTER -- PLEASE - FORGIVE ME AS I AM A WRECK

And I have no idea as to why people are hurting each other as we are at war over the same planet and we can't escape EARTH and that sort of makes us all JUST ONE PEOPLE --and BROTHERS & SISTERS and we have to learn to share and care -- I made this up for a incredible girl I had the most BLESSED Fortune to meet between September 4, 2013 and December 4, 2013 when we hooked up at phase one for me as I saw LOVE in HER and it was a LOVE that was so INTENSE it was For HER INCREDIBLE YOUNG SON Named - Jacob her Name is Karen and I was locked in one of the long sessions as I was in the cage for 23 hours a day out for 1 hour for shower and a few phone calls and a 5 minutes of TV ( It was 2 --30 minute sessions I was out of the Cage) and it was Horrible and at this time / period / week I messed up my damn canteen by just forgetting to sign it the rest was done right but no name no snacks etc and the brother next to it was said ran the gang on 118ave Brian Ashley and we did not get along well at first I don't know but I was sitting on the bunk one day reading and listening to the tunes, and all of a sudden stuff began sliding under my door to my Cage / Cell and I got up to see what it and who it was and it was Brian and he was sliding coffee's, sugar and peanut butter and along the outside he stacked a few soup bowls

And the Love for Karen that I had that I knew if I screwed up and drank and did drugs, I would likely never see Jacob (who I had never seen but had picked a few trinkets up for the both of them) this was extremely hard when I was installed in the homeless shelter for a few months to learn some skills that the Masters felt I still needed the hardest day was the Christmas Day as I laid on the bunk I was on top and my address was O8U Dorm O bunk 8 U=Upper -- I will never forget that it was a hard day and I didn't receive even a single phone call for the people I thought I knew -- it is weird but none of them are around at all anymore as I moved on as I had just recently became sober on February 15, 2013 and when I moved into the shelter it was day 292 just and I did 59 days in the shelter and came out still sober then 88 in ERC / JAIL (and then they refused to allow me around any booze or alcohol as they kept an almost evil eye on my I remember one day when I walked into Lisa's Office (oops) Dr Lisa sorry Dr Lisa Burbak I always screwed up as she would screw with my head all the time with her pink and black flats fully aware I had a damn foot fetish (now when the State Physiatrist knows you have a foot fetish and she is beautiful well I was screwed pretty much (daily / weekday thank God for weekends) as she was kind as she dug shit out of me (mental verbal where I was when I grew up everything or so we thought but PTSD never came up) it didn't or not that I was made aware of

When I was finally discharged to get to this apartment on October 12-2016, another beautiful doctor who I called Farah as her name was Dr Fawcet (I can't recall her first name) but she gave me two massive boxes of plates, sandwich plates, cups, glasses of all size really nice stuff to and I would later after the movers had left and I was alone unpacked the boxes from Dr Fawcet gave me and the tears began as when we were doing recerts ( re certifications ) she told me that I was a very high functioning patient and it was the two of in a tv room and there were also tears, as no one ever said this stuff to me before and then I ended up on Dr A P office the Temple of Dr P, and she has trusted me with things that were never tried ever and I mean ever before and we found that I was abused by the system on June 6, 2021 and the RAPE on June 22, 2021 (which was the exact day only 5 years exactly a part and this is just to spooky) as how does anyone / anything do that GOD & JESUS CHRIST will always give up the answers if our hearts are pure and I had been serving HUMANITY via GOD & JESUS CHRIST since I stuck the silly GREEN BIG HAT on at least at September 12, 2017 --- = 3 years, 9 months & 10 days GOD gave me the Key to My Heart and I Forgave which Turned the Key and I never asked for all of this as I truly never did as shit I no longer know who or what I even am --- I don't know HONESTLY as now for some damn reason I get so damn angry out of the blue as I hate myself some time and I hate everything as on August 12, 2022 I had a fight with a new friend and I lost my mind and I got so sick between August 12, to August 16, 2022 I thought I was about to die and instead I came back to life after about 52 years since the RAPE and this was the day I had a session with Dr A P (on the phone) and it was an odd / strange / honest session and she set up some very stern / Strick rules for me to OBEY and I AGREED and then a few hours later her receptionist called me and she wanted to move our next session to an in person session and this was a prayer a silent prayer and I couldn't believe it and that was the 14th of September but unfortunately I awoke in the middle of the night as I needed to pee and ever since the adventure back at the Group Home / Prison Camp With Commandant Flo, Shar, And the Infamous Dr Thakker who had my mental medicine's so messed up that I was unable to piss into the bowl I still to this day have to sit when I pee and I fell asleep and fell off the toilet and remained there till way after the session, and Dr A P cuts me no slack as she never has I have to follow her RULES and OBEY and I screwed up she had no mercy that I fell off tthe damn toilet she likely along with her receptionist likely laughed about it as fuck what a seriously bad excuse " I fell off the toilet while peeing" Hell even I am laughing as who would ever have an excuse like that Sorry Dr AP

And then it hit me... this just got pushed down from the ERC / JAIL stuff --It is 10am I need to get my drugs (pain) as I have been working on this attempt at saying sorry to the world ... but we all need to stop all this damn fighting like shit how many people have to die? and for what REALLY?

We as Mankind are Fucken Killing the Whole Freaking Planet -- and there isn't no place else to go, NO WHERE... BUNKERS FOR 100 YEARS LIKE WTF are we thinking about wake-up greed isn't going to save no one

Sharen & Karen (Sharen was this beauty growing up that lived in the city and I was in a town outside the city and we would be allowed to see each other a few times a year) until dad passed and then I would ride his bike to the city to visit, and the roof top balcony was fun she was fun and helped me deal a bit with the loss of dad (thank You Sharon) --that was a very long time ago very long time

Okay now I am going to look for shoes and feet and then I need to get the candy bag organized and I hope I can borrow a few dollars as I just remembered I have zero idea as to where the debit card is in my home

Oh God I am HURTING TOO

Lucien The Light II

October 18, 2022