The Goo Times -- August 17, 2019 -- Balls And Holes

In the last few hours I have gone through my FEAR of the pain from the wounds in my physical body, I have taken on demons that attempted to hijack my mental state, I have dealt with a system that was shutting me out, I have attempted suicide (Overdose on Sleeping meds and Opiates)


The reason I attempted wasn't just the physical pain but it was the isolation as a result of just a few peoples dislike of


"What I Was"


In a time gone by as we as Mental Health Clients can't run from the Stigma and even Mental Health Workers have it as it is a sickness, a terrible sickness to not "treat a human being as a unwell human being when the Mentally Challenged person is crying out for a bit of Humaneness a bit of Compassion and Understanding and I in my case get it somewhat but what about the



NEWBIE to the Illness that you with the power shut out and he/she kills him/herself and you didn't even know me, as I almost was dead on the night of August 14, 2019 after 5 medications being changed since July 18, 2019 (that was 27 days) do we really think a schizophrenic brain and mind can adapt to changes that rapidly and often as we had a family doctor and a psychiatrist altering me (my) neruochemistry and never was a single note exchanged between the two of them -- *passing notes is frowned upon in grade school and habits are hard to change*


I am doing medication management YOUR system pays nurses to do and I am dealing with all the stresses adn still here as I run 11 different pills that all have dosing schedules that make algebra look easy at times `


The people we have entrusted with our lives at times need to attempt to let the rule books go and work with their own HEARTS as it will feel right and YOU will like the feeling the knowing that you 10-15 minute saved a life, and maybe it was almost mine


When I cut myself (for the first time ever) a few weeks ago a worker at 24/7 (Jeff) said "better not get into that habit" and then hung up, I was still bleeding-- (the reason I did it was so I could just feel something a pain other than the C.M.&C.M). I was stuck in as the wounds take the pain to a level 10++ at times and over 10 months it can seem incredibly pointless to even go on


TRUST also disappears as right now I haven't seen my wound team in almost a month as I can't TRUST at this stage as I remember the disappointing results from the measurements on July 10 and July 23, 2019 as it grew even after 10 months of treatment the frustration levels are gone right off the map right now



Today I

didn't track pain levels on purpose--more about this later as it is an experiment, as this is when he who is being experimented on experiments on him self also


308am

Tylenol 1,000mg


1051am

Buprenorphine / Naloxone 2/0.5mg

Divalproex 750mg (mood)

Pantoprazole Mag 40mg (tummy) "mommy my tummy hurts" :-)


1105am

Tylenol 1,000mg


231pm

Naproxen 500mg


507pm

Tylenol 1,000mg


539pm

Abilify 10mg (Not really sue what this one is for yet)


609pm

Gabapentine 600mg


755pm

Buprenorphine / Naloxone 2/0.5mg


848pm

Naproxen 500mg


1149pm

Tylenol 1,000mg


1256am (August 18/19)

Divalproex 1,000mg

Zyprexa 5mg

Benzotropine 1mg


F.I.T DATA

Steps = 11,258

Miles = 5.02

Floors UP = 10 (I reside in a 4 story building and I am blessed to have a Penthouse)

Active Minutes 101


SLEEP DATA

4 hours 27 minutes (431am to 939am) needed to go to the food bank a Team Leader organized this --- The generosity of Edmonton is beyond belief


2 hours 26 minutes (1135am to 202pm) walked to Save On after and was ""allowed"" to make a few people happy (note to self "invest in more candy")

scored PB at $3.99 a kg only had strength to carry 2kg


To the worker bees at 24/7 my community almost lost me 3 days ago as I had no one to communicate with -- as I didn't have the right care plan I guess, as I am supposed to talk to my TEAM but it was 9pm and YOU all knew the office has office hours


And as a result you had ME so alone and so scared and in such emotional and physical pain -- I might have passed away and the damage to the people around me was so inconsequential to all of you


YOU ALL SCARE ME as I still am unwell and alone


When I see EVIL I must speak or my actions will also be EVIL (of not doing) what about the next guy/lady up -- who gets STIGMATIZED as I was that night just three (3) days ago






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